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Friday, April 30, 2004
With you or Without you
I have woken up again, to the gray mornings oppressive pallor, that falls as a shroud on my sadness and confusion. I feel my heart has been shattered and left to die here on the dusty floor, covered with your footprints. Tracks of time and memory, all linked back to you, your figure, sometimes silhouetted by the dusk or the dawn, how I could simply stare till I lost myself in you, as you moved, curves mesmerizing, bringing passion to flower, bright red within me. Now that flower lies wilting in forgotten corners, leaves turning from green to brown. I can only sit now and wonder, what went wrong? Is there something I could have done better or different? Is there something I should have done? Is there something I shouldn't have done? These questions circle like vultures around me, as the unforgiving sun of sorrow bears down. I wander streets, but they offer nothing now. I can only see everything crumbling around me. I can only see the pollution in the rivers, the garbage in the streets the empty eyes of beggars and addicts, the boarded up storefronts, the blowing pieces of paper in the road, that you or I may have once written out our promises to each other. What do these papers matter now? All the promises have been broken. Best to burn them, try to burn the memory out. Burn everything that may remind me of you. But that would mean burning myself to ashes. I cannot look at myself without thinking of you. When did I give this vital piece of myself to you? When did you decide it wasn't worth holding on to? But you can't just throw it away. It still feels like its with you now, wherever you may be, and it hurts to have it missing. But even if you did come back now begging and pleading for forgiveness, and swearing to never leave my side, I'm not sure I could take you back, though a part of me wants that desperately. Why? Why should I desire the one who hurt me so? This is all too confusing. I don't consider myself a masochist, but aren't we all in a way? Isn't pain such an integral part of experience, that there's no escape? Just to live is to hurt? Or perhaps, to hurt is to live? Do we secretly desire broken dreams and pain? So secretly even we ourselves don't know we do? When it seems the entire world is in pain today, what's left to do besides hurt? I could cry for the ten thousandth time, but what purpose would it serve? I could cry till it washes away the dust on the floor, but the pain would go on. I can only force myself through another meaningless day. Find some reason, no matter how seemingly small, trivial or obscure, to get through these dark hours. Where it feels like every second is midnight, and paradise a filthy lie, and love but a promise destined to be broken. _i'm in love with love  A Special Place in my Heart There's a place in my heart Wherein you can hold on me There's a space in my heart Wherein you hold the key. There's a face that I can't hide with a smile that's mild and kind There are feelings that's hard to keep in touch Just as emotions never felt so much. There are times when road is tough When they almost let me drowned There's a special touch that heals so much Wherein the light comes so bright. There are sorrows from the past That makes me wonder for tonight There are hidden motives of desires That seems to dry the past behind. There are darksides in the corner Hidden lies each time I cry There are burden beneath my back makes me weak so help out. Through it all I felt so much Still your here inside my heart Skips a bit each time I try Makes me feel good, why am I? With all these pain behind my wings I hope that you could love me still For I have love you for years And many times my heart stood still. Sometimes it's hard to keep yourself beneath Cause there are times when I felt so weak But here I am standing still Keep moving on each time your near. My heart still breed each time it beats Keeps holding on everytime I feel the need For you're always there to remain as a friend And I'm also here as your comrade. _i'm in love with love "A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it." "I can't escape the thought of you. Even in my dreams you are there. It's not fair how you're gone, and how you're moving on so fast, while I am still living in the past." "I was finally getting over you and actually believing I didn't need you. I was finally accepting you had another girl. Then you smiled at me and ruined it all." "Don't ever give up if you still want to try, don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know. Don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go." "How can I forget you when your always on my mind? How can I not want you when you're all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can't see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?" "I thought that by telling myself and everyone else that I hated you. That sooner or later I would come to believe it. But I now realize that by lying, it makes me want you even more." "time may heal all wounds, but there will always be scars." "What do you live for when all you were living for is gone?" "Loving you was easy, losing you was hard. Loving you is still easy, but knowing you are no longer mine, is the hardest of it all." "One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you." "Even if he doesn't like me tomorrow, I knew he loved me yesterday." "I thought I'd forget you, but I guess I forgot to." "Don't say we're not right for each other, the way I see it, we're not meant for anyone else." "You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?" "It's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one." "Breaking up is just like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream." "Searching for answers. But they're all so hard to find. Cuz I'm still loving you baby, Are you still loving me? Baby, don't you turn and close the door, Is it you don't love me anymore?" "Every few nights or so you pop into my dreams, I just can't get rid of you like you got rid of me." "Without you there is no love. Without you there is no me. Without you there is nothing. So I'm asking, baby, please don't leave." "The biggest mistake in my life that I have ever done was to let you go. And, now I realize that you will never come back to me." "Some people say the worst way to miss someone is when they are right next to you and you know you can't have them, but it's worse when you thought you didn't want them anymore and then all of a sudden you realize you can't live without them." "A million words wouldn't bring you back. I know because I've tried. Neither would a million tears. I know because I've cried!" "It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when you're heart still does." "When you have loved unconditionally one man and lost that love, it leaves a wound that never heals, a sad and broken heart, a void forever." "Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful." "The saddest thing in life is loving someone who used to love you." "I wish I was a kid again, because skinned knees are easier to fix then broken hearts." "If I can't have you, at least i was able to know I had you." "A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling.. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears or feels it, except you.." "I close my eyes just to try and see you smile one more time, but it's been so long all I do is cry. Can't we find some love to take this away? 'Cause the pain gets stronger everyday." "Now I believe it when people say love is blind... 'cause I must have been blind to love a person like you." "How can I promise you forever when tomorrow is so far away from me? How can I dry your tears when I have a bleeding heart inside of me? how can I ever forget you when your name is etched so deep within me?" "Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you." "Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times in life in which it takes much more strength to just let go." "Because I never really had you at all, I didn't think it would hurt this much to lose you." "How can I love again when I can't stop loving the one that hurt me so much?" "I dont know what to do now that we're apart; I dont know how to live without the other half of my heart." "Deep in my heart, I'm suffering, knowing that I've lost you. On the outside, I'm living, pretending that I've forgotten you." "A broken heart is a heart that has felt love." "One can not truly experience the beauty of love without enduring the pain that comes with it once it is lost." "My heart only fought for what it wanted. Now my heart is having to fight to let him go." "Ask me how many times my heart has been broken and I will tell you to look in the sky and count the stars." "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart." "I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt and still you would not understand. So now I leave without a sound, except that of my heart shattering as it hits the ground." "Who do you run to when the only person who can make you stop crying, is exactly the one who is making you cry?" "I miss the way you used to hug me, I miss the way you used to kiss my lips, but most of all I miss the way you held me and love me. I miss you..." "No matter how many times I try and move on, my heart always takes me back here to you." "You'll never understand why I hurt so much because you're not the one who is crying, you're not the one who is left behind, you're not the one who loved too much, and you're not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone..." "I will always love him, I just won't love the way he treated me." "Forget the times you walked by, forget the times you made me cry, forget the times you held my hand, forget the sweet things if I can. I can no longer pretend, I have to remember now, you're just my friend." "I've always wondered if my life would have been better if I hadn’t met you, but then I think of what my life would have been like if I hadn’t." "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." "The worst thing you could do right now is tell me that I can find someone better then you ... when you're all I want." "Two teardrops are floating in the ocean, one teardrop asked the other, 'Who are you?' 'I'm the teardrop of a girl who was driven away by a guy, and who are you?' The other one answered, 'I'm the teardrop of a guy who regretted letting a girl go.'" "Love you and can't think of anything more. Miss you and nothing beats thoughts of you. Need you, can't figure out how you've gotten all over me. Long for you and this growing need for you seems to be increasing." "If a tear fell from my eyes each time I thought of you, I would have a puddle of fallen wishes." "A memory of true love is like a favorite song; no matter how many times it plays again, you never get tired of it." "Loving someone that doesn't love you isn't wrong, it's just painful." "It's been so long and I feel so lost, and we said this would last no matter the cost. We tried so hard and pushed so far, but why do I feel so torn apart? I hung my head and began to cry. Why do I continue to just waste time, after all I tried. I've fallen, out of love with you." "You're the reason I love and the reason I'd die. You're the reason I smile yet break down and cry. You're the reason I keep going and the reason I fall. I love you so much and you don't even care at all." "The thought of you is constantly occupying my mind, but when I turn around looking for you, you’re never found. I love you and that’s a thing I can’t deny, I think of you and a tear drops in my eye." "To live life without you is to live life without love." "One of the hardest things you'll ever have to do is stop loving someone because they've stopped loving you." "You knew I loved you. You knew I cared. Then, why when I needed you, you were never there?" "If I could tell you now, how I felt then, to say the words I love you, and mean them once again. Realizing you are there, standing right behind, only knowing, you're not so far behind. I wish tonight, that I was in your arms, and you were telling me we'd always be alright." "You can fall in love in an instant. It's letting go that takes time." _i'm in love with love don't be sad and blue don't give up on love and love won't give up on you take my words and follow this simple rule love will come to you don't give up or you may lead your life alone there is always hope _i'm in love with love Love, what is it? A misused word, a hurtful word. A comforting word, a reassuring word. He told me he loves me, but what does that mean? Does it mean he would die for me, or that I am his life? Love is a word, that hurts more people than not. If I say I love him, will we be bound forever, or just until tomorrow? How many others have said it to me, only to have their feeling quickly vanish? I love my family and neighbors, but that is different, from the love he promised me. I do not want to be a pessimist, but does love really exist? Is there such a thing as love, except from a mother to her child? If love is real, it will last forever, but what is forever? You and I will never see forever, therefore we will never know. The only love you can count on, is from the only one who knows forever. The only love you can count on, is that of our Lord and Savior. _i'm in love with love I want: A love that's real and will last forever. Someone to adore me and will leave me never. I want: Trust and understanding a little compassion, too. These wants that I remember and haven't had since you. I need: Someone who'll need me no matter what all they can do. To appreciate all the little things I do out of love for you. I need: Strong arms that will hold me through all the lonely nights. Arms that won't reach out to harm me when things don't go just right. I want: The hope to find love again and the desire for someone new. A peacefulness within myself to lighten this lonesome mood. _i'm in love with love Thursday, April 29, 2004
i still miss him so so much. and i still love him.. more than ever...
_i'm in love with love |
